With the holidays right around the corner, you might be making plans to get together with family. This is the perfect time to talk about old grudges, politics, and another subject that many people like to avoid – money. After all, you’re all together, you might be a little drunk, and there’s nowhere to escape when the turkey hits the fan.
In all seriousness, this is actually the perfect time to touch base with family members about important topics like health and money. But there are ways to go about it that might make the conversations easier. Let’s talk about how to approach these discussions in a way that won’t make your 42-year-old younger brother shave off your eyebrows while you sleep on the air mattress in the basement during your visit.
Come Up with a Plan
If you’re the adult children of aging parents, it might be beneficial to pre-game this discussion; in other words, schedule a Zoom meeting with all the parties involved to discuss what topics you want to cover with your parents and create a loose agenda for the meeting. Here are some questions you might consider:
- Do you have a comprehensive financial plan? Understand whether they have a financial plan in place for retirement and any unexpected health costs.
- What are your income sources? Clarify if they have pensions, Social Security, retirement accounts, or investment income and if these will be sufficient for their needs. Also, are their investment accounts consolidated?
- Do you have a power of attorney (POA) for finances and health? Have you made plans for your estate?
- Is there a life insurance coverage in place, and what are the policy details?
- Do you have any specific wishes regarding long-term care and final decisions?
- Where do you keep important documents?
- Have you written down your passwords or created a system for accessing online accounts?
Also, talk about how you might handle things if parents get defensive or aren’t willing to share. Recognize that they have managed their lives successfully and that you’re there to support them, not to take over. Position them as the experts in the conversation. Ask them for advice on how they’d want certain situations handled. For instance, “If something were to happen, how would you like us to manage things for you?”
You might also want to discuss things to watch out for when you’re together. Changes as parents age might be more obvious if you haven’t seen them for a while. Here are some things to look for:
- Mobility and balance
- Personal hygiene, household clutter, neglected home maintenance
- Changes in weight
- Memory lapses
- Mood changes
- Confusion (including unpaid bills and skipped medication)
- Social withdrawal
Have them take you out for a drive during the day and at night and evaluate how that goes. Try not to act like they did when they were teaching you how to drive (think invisible brake pedal and throwing yourself against the passenger window).
Don’t Make it a Surprise Attack
Once you have a plan in place, don’t just spring it on your parents. Tell them before you gather together that you’d like to have a family review and choose a day and time when everyone is there. Pop in a movie for the kids or send them out for an hour so you can have some uninterrupted time.
Begin by discussing less sensitive topics like emergency contacts or whether they have a list of medications. Once they’re comfortable with these basics, they may be more open to discussing other details.
Also suggest that this be an ongoing conversation. Like financial advisors have yearly (or sometimes more) reviews because a lot of things can change, make a family agreement that you’ll keep talking. Over time, those conversations will likely feel more comfortable for everyone.
As someone who talks about money all day every day, I know there is a lot of emotion around it and these conversations are sometimes not easy. I also know that once you have them, all parties involved tend to feel better and less stressed about the future. Remember that understanding your parents’ health and finances impacts you as well; you need to know if things aren’t going well so you can prepare to step in and help if needed. The last thing you want is to suddenly find out that a parent has no financial plan in place as their health is declining and you have to scramble to find extra funds.
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